Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
