the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
