I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
