i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Please don't give away my fajitas
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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