Joe is yelling at the trees again.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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