that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
