just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize