I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
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