she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Randomize
