shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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