FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
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and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
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How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize