Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
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He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.