i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
