I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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