Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
soo... how was my night?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
