Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
