o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
