Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize