i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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