So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Randomize
