I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
