We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
