I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize
