If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
