If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
PANTIES FOUND
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
