Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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