She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
dude i'm inner monologue high
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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