I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
