My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
