if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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