I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
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