i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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