I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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