Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I need a burrito and a hug.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
