Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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