good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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