I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
