i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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