but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Randomize
