dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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