If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I queefed so loud it echoed.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
