you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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