Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
