Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
