Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
