My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
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