remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
