i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
