420 ftw
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Randomize
