but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
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I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
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I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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