how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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