I think I won the penis lottery.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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