I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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