wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
